Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate hat they are "covered in bees"

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures Class

Growing marjiuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

The Giant Squid is not an appropiate date to the Yule Ball

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept

I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant

Seamus Finnegan is not "afterme Lucky Charms"

I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange

There is no such thing as a were-thylacine

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination Class

Tricking a school house elf into sripping does not mean they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!"

I am not a sloth animagus

I am not a tribble Animagus

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil or pirahna

I do not weigh the same as a duck

030. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square of -1 is

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental

i will not change the passward to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean
almost as fun as getting dirty

There is no such thing as an Invisiblilty thong

Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense? and walking away is only funny the first time

42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes her self oo seriously

I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected Death Eaters

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine"

I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick

I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End"

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

My name is not Captain Subtext

I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror"

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

I am no the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be

Gryffindor courage does not come int bottles labeed "Firewhiskey"

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snoker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I beome

It is not appropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox

I will not impersonate teh Swedish Chef in Potions Class

First-years should no be encourged to befriend the Whomping Willow

Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform

I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot

When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!"

I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine"

I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a memeber of that house nor am I it's founder

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "My Liege"

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists

If asked in class what Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!" maybe correct but is not the manner in which one should answer

I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur

Ravenclaws do not find a sighn saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense

A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are Auror Training Videos

When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "There are not the droids you are looking for"

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort

I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it

I will not under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing

I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix

I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors In a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive

I will not give Hagrid Pokemon Cards and convince him that they are real animals

I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quiditch matches

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree housein the Whomping Willow

I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible when wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room

I will not yell "Believe it.... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra credit

My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I'm not allowed to sign my papers as such

There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secrets Probation

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps

I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

Voldemort is not Ganandorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts

I will not sing the entire Multipication Rock series during Arithmancy exams

I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knight of the Round Table for the Christmas Feast

I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand

I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween

I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school

I am not allowed to declare an offical Hug a Slytherin Day

It is not neccessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I Apparate

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledor's office and use it to patrol the hallways

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously

I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want

"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is no an appropriate career choice

I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office

It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor

I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shot "I have the power!"

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