Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

So, today is the big day. Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince is finally in theaters. Anyone planning to go this week??? I'll be going on Friday and I can't wait. Below is something I posted back in 2007. It's just too funny, I had to post it again. FYI: I'm not the author of any of these. I found this on photobucket.

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate hat they are "covered in bees"

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures Class

Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology

"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore"

If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm

Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept

I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant

Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms"

I will not call the DADA teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange

There is no such thing as a were-thylacine

I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination Class

Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!"

I am not a sloth animagus

I am not a triple Animagus

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil or piranha

I do not weigh the same as a duck

030. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square of -1 is

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental

i will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean
almost as fun as getting dirty

There is no such thing as an Invisibility thong

Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith"

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense? and walking away is only funny the first time

42 is not the answer to every question on the OWLs

It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes her self soo seriously

I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord list to suspected Death Eaters

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine"

I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick

I will not teach the first years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End"

I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corp.

My name is not Captain Subtext

I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror"

Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda

I am no the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be

Gryffindor courage does not come int bottles labeled "Firewhiskey"

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become

It is not appropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox

I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions Class

First-years should no be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow

Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform

I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot

When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout "There can be only ONE!"

I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine"

I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a member of that house nor am I it's founder

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster" not "My Liege"

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists

If asked in class what Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!" maybe correct but is not the manner in which one should answer

I am not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur

Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense

A time turner is not a flux capacitor, and I should therefore not install one in any muggle cars

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors

I will not claim my X-Files tapes are Auror Training Videos

When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce "There are not the droids you are looking for"

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort

I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens

If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it

I will not under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint balling

I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix

I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors In a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive

I will not give Hagrid Pokemon Cards and convince him that they are real animals

I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks

I will not sing The Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quiditch matches

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow

I will not douse Harry Potter's Invisibility Cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible when wearing it and standing near the fire in the Common Room

I will not yell "Believe it.... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count as extra credit

My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I'm not allowed to sign my papers as such

There is no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secrets Probation

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps

I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling

Voldemort is not Ganandorf and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts

I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams

I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knight of the Round Table for the Christmas Feast

I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles"

I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand

I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween

I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school

I am not allowed to declare an official Hug a Slytherin Day

It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF" every time I Apparate

I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledor's office and use it to patrol the hallways

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously

I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a Dustbuster on Harry's lips to get him to do what I want

"To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is no an appropriate career choice

I will not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmasters office

It is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor

I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shot "I have the power!"


  1. OMG I nearly choked on my tea reading that!! The other people in my office think I ma nuts!!

    That was brilliant!

  2. Hi Amanda...
    Glad you enjoyed it. :)

    Maybe I should've put a warning label on this post.

  3. I can't WAIT to see this movie! I don't know what day yet, but soon. I don't want to go until after the main crowed sees it. Oh it's gonna be gooood!!

  4. Those were perfect! I was loling reading them.
    I am going to see HP today with my kids and mother- we always go opening day!


  5. Hi Anna!

    OMG! I so glad that I didn't choke on my doughnut!

    I'm laughing so hard, my son is laughing with me, reading over my shoulder!

    I really want to go tonight, but no else wants to endure the crowds. Tried to talk the kids into the midnight show last night, but it was sold out here. We only have the one theater that shows first run movies, but it's showing on two screens.

    Hopefully, we'll go Friday. Can't wait to hear how it is and to see for myself!

    Dottie :)

  6. Anna,

    Those are too funny. :) We are heading to the movie today at 12:30. We pre-ordered the tickets, so that is a bonus - don't know about the crowds though. :) We live in a small town so I'm hoping everyone else will wait until later in the week.


  7. Those are great!!

    I can't wait to see the movie. We will probably wait until this weekend- cringe, the crowd is going to be ginormous, but my daughter doesn't get in until late tonight and hubby is going to want to see it too so that leaves nights and weekend.

  8. Hi Anna,
    Oh those are too funny!! I have to go and re-post them on Lj :D
    HP tomorrow, yay

  9. Omg Anna!!! I almost spit my coffee out all over!!! Despite that, I have been lmao at work!!! Yea, they already thought I was nuts... that just adds to the mix!!!
    Not sure when, but we are going see it!!! I cannot wait!!!

    This is the way to start one's day!
    Hope you have a great day Anna!

  10. Hi Anna!!

    Those are great!!! I think we are going Saturday morning and I can't wait!!

  11. I'm glad everyone is enjoying this. If you'd like to repost this else where, feel free. :)

    I haven't gone to a opening night of a movie since Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula. It was so packed. Craziness!

  12. Too funny! Thanks so much for sharing - I linked!

  13. That's great! I like this one:

    I will not yell "Believe it.... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches. LOL!!

    HP 6 is playing on two screens downtown and there was a huge line of people sitting on the sidewalk around the building last night. I think I'll wait a few days before seeing it.

  14. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

    For some reason that one made me chuckle.

    THese are great and yes I'm going TOMORROW NITE! WOO HOO!

  15. I laughed until I cried, my husband thinks i'm a mentalist.

  16. Great lines-- I laughed on every single one. ;)

    I've already seen it (saw it today with my family) and it was GREAT! Amazing, I had no complaints after watching it (unlike with the last movie, which was a butcher job from beginning to end).




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